In March, I gave myself permission to slow down my home search. Things came together quickly after that.
I booked stays in Barcelona and Lisbon, and planned a US tour this summer. Then spring hit in Madrid. By the time I was scheduled to depart, I didn’t want to.
The contrast — planning the trip, not wanting to go, and being excited to return — was exactly the data I needed to fully choose Madrid. Then, as though by divine affirmation, I found the perfect apartment within a week.
I’ve been a master of forcing decisions and overriding intuition. Letting go and watching clarity arrive so fast was a poignant reminder of the power of non-forcing.
🔹 Growing roots, finally
For most of my adult life, I haven’t been able to land. At first it was the wanderlust of a young man — an out-of-state school, a semester abroad, the India NGO chapter.
But over time a deeper pattern emerged: a yearning for something external to arrive and create a sense of home for me. I felt constantly compelled to keep moving, keep searching.
Until now. And I think it had to be this way; I needed the twists and turns, the working out of whatever kept me from really exhaling.
🔹 The untold story of my health crisis
Ending this search for home, finding a place to land, has created space to complete another process as well — putting the deeper, messier story of my health crisis into words.
Keeping this story private has been necessary, but also costly. It’s time to share.
It began on a normal-enough day in mid-June, 2020. I was watching a disturbing YouTube clip when my body erupted into uncontrollable sobbing. I had never experienced anything like it.
The following months were characterized by intense, debilitating dread. Picture the surge of panic you feel when you step in front of moving traffic — except constant, 24 hours per day, for months.
Within weeks at this stress level, I developed colitis (my gut was bleeding) and started losing hair and weight.
I told my best friend “I feel like I’m dying.” She thought I was being hyperbolic. My therapist assumed I was just struggling due to a recent breakup. I didn’t bother going to the doctor; I didn’t want to be gaslit that this was a mental health issue, when I knew deep down that it wasn’t.
This continued for years. I developed new symptoms — fibromyalgia, body tension, difficulty breathing, leaky gut, extreme chronic fatigue, and more. I tried dozens of treatments. None moved the needle.
Through it all, I had no way to relate to others. I had no real diagnosis. I looked healthy from the outside. Even my inner circle couldn’t understand. After all, I didn’t either.
Finally, in 2024-25 I got three critical diagnoses.
First, a scan of my airways revealed major breathing problems, likely caused by a bad orthodontic treatment when I was 11 years old. After reading my results, Michael Gelb, a leading specialist in New York, looked at me and said, “No wonder you’re having panic attacks — you can’t breathe.”
Five months later, I found myself in Coeur D’Alene, Idaho, meeting Dr. Tony Smith, a pioneer in the diagnosis and treatment of Lyme disease. Having potentially carried the infection for decades, I had Lyme in my blood, brain, sinuses, intestines, spleen, bladder, and lymph nodes. “One of the worst cases I’ve seen,” he said to me.
Then last year, Tim Frie diagnosed me with Prolonged Grief Disorder, a recent addition to the DSM-5-TR. Mine was triggered by a breakup in 2020, but the condition runs deeper than the loss of any specific person. This one has the been hardest to talk about, but I’ve learned to simply own it — I cry a lot, about everything.
So why am I sharing this?
Because I’m in a good place with this now, and holding back an important part of my life has been hard. Being known is healing unto itself and I deserve that. Maybe reading this will remind you that you do too.
My core intention this year is grounding and rest. I’m grateful to be landing in Madrid and completing these transition cycles, and to be able to share it all with you. Thank you.
Love,
Taylor
May/June📍— Madrid, Boston, Colorado, NYC, Florida, Madrid